word vomit

Ians going to ruin the only good thing thats ever happened to him if he doesn’t get his fucking issues under control
You’re gonna make him leave. You’re gonna push him away, and beg him to be close, and yell and hit and scream and cry like a terrified child and he won’t be able to handle it, and he’ll bail. You need to get better before you lose the only thing you have left.

i cant even like- properly explain whats going on right now. Its a lot! Several people know of several DIFFERENT things, like noone ik currently knows everything going on thats making me like…despair 😭
the main one is probably easy to guess unfortunately idk im not even mad about it anymore tbh. Its always like that with this, any time *I* get upset about something with him, it somehow ends with me apologizing to him. Instead of the other way around like it usually is.
other things, other things, erm
I’m really tired of everyone but like i still want to interact with people. I still wanna hug my friends and talk with them I still wanna call my bf but i just cant find it in me to actually have good reactions i feel so tired and numb all the time like i feel the emotions but theres no physical expression of it and its weird. Like I’m happy enough to smile but I’m not smiling but I am but I’m forcing it y’know? Idk… I just keep sleeping on crows lap and talking to them and talking about them. They feel like home base to me y’know

I miss him. I shouldn’t. And I hate that I do. I know he’s bad and I know why and I know I shouldn’t miss him and I hate myself for it. I hate myself for telling people I want to talk to him, I hate myself for staring at him as he walks past and purposely walking in places I know he goes in hopes he might spark a conversation. I hate dreaming about him constantly and spending hours drafting texts and letters of what I would say I hate it I hate it I hate it
He haunts me. And I don’t even want him to go away I just want him to get louder and closer and I want to cry to him about my problems one more time and hear him tell me everything will be okay and that he’ll kill anything that harms me and I wanna hug him and be near him and know I’m safe again
And I hate it. I’m so sorry. He’s not nice and yet he’s the person thats been nicest to me.

I miss everyone right now
I miss the evil one(a lot a lot a lot OUCH) and I miss my home base and I miss my mom from before she was sick and I miss my brother before he went crazy and my siblings and my best friend and I miss my elementary friends and my online friend group and I miss my bf i really miss my bf a lot but i wanna leave him alone cuz idk what to do and i don’t wanna make it worse
i can’t breathe

I miss you uhm please come back
maybe uh
nvm
ily
nvm the nvm actually please i js please /nf
im SO. sorry

“I want to want you, baby
But you're making it so hard
I try to bite the bullet
And just take you as you are
You get too close
Take the one I love the most
And I think it's time for you to go“

This is not about mr.boyfriend !

Missed you missed you, he asked "Can I kiss you?"
Love will always end in pain so please go get your tissues
Missed me missed me, I know that you hate me
Maybe he will love me, if I let you berate me

I love him <3

currently trying to decide if I want to actually defend/explain myself or just roll over an apologize like I normally do.
this isn’t worth it. I was wrong none of this is fucking worth it
i am sorry the apology wouldn’t be “fake” obviously but like i have more to say i have more reasons and whatever but if i try saying anything it’ll just keep going i dont want it to keep going i dont want to keep going someone please fucking kill me already im so tired of this
i just want to fix it
idk how to fix it without dying or breaking something idk please just get me OUT OF HERE i need to leave please.
a part of me wants to just stop responding entirely to everyone and everything just let them handle their own issues but i cant do that because not talking to him is the problem i cant function on my own anymore i need to leave please.
it’s back to the point of “maybe i should leave him so he doesn’t have to deal with me” but i cant do that i fucking need him or i’ll actually just die
please don’t leave me im so sorry im so so sorry i need you im so sorry

Maybe the more clothes I take off has a direct correlation to the more attention I get…. maybe it’s worth it

what if I js give him my full attention again? like back how it used to be. I wake up, talk to him, and then sleep until we talk next. I’ll still talk to others of course I’m not gonna abandon everyone just like…what if..

God Ian do you ever shut up nobody likes you. You shut yourself and how you feel off away from everybody and then complain when it feels like nobody listens to your issues. You get scared and instinctually back away any time someone is "too" affectionate with you, but you need them to be literally obsessed with you to feel like they like you in the slightest?
You're so insanely insecure of the dumbest things and you know they're dumb but does it fix it? no. Keep covering yourself Ian, hide your legs, suck in your stomach, hide your feet, stretch out your neck, push back your shoulders, the issues aren't going away Ian you're just covering them up. And sure the leggings under shorts was cute at first but it's every single time! I mean you can't even look in the mirror unless you have a hoodie and long pants on! You pathetic idiot, grow up. "I gained weight" it's 6 pounds and you know you're going to lose it in an instant with your terrible habits.
How stupid must one be to openly complain about their insecurities, but hide the one that effects them the most. You trusted one person to tell about it. And he was super supportive. He actually cared, and comforted and encouraged you. And you cut him off with no warning just to message him months later. He's blocked two different accounts of yours Ian! Get the hint! He ducks his head when you walk past him! Stop trying to make contact!! You blew it!

"I feel bad posting on dw about him because I know he reads it and I don't want him getting hurt, but I have to put my thoughts somewhere!" Oh PLEASE shut up! You know full well that MOST of the reason you post on here is so that others will read it and maybe feel sorry for you. Poor Ian he can't handle even the smallest bit of rejection without wanting to cvt himself how terrible!!!!! I know you don't want to hurt him, I know you want him to read what you write so he can know what you're thinking and still know you aren't attacking him/mad. But you know it probably makes him feel bad, and that's not your intention you don't want him to feel bad you just want to tell him what's up without him thinking you're mad. But at least tone it down. You are nothing without him. He is the only reason you get out of bed in the morning and he's the reason you go to sleep at night. I don't care if it hurts you Ian we fucking need him make it work. It has to work this time. Don't mess this up again.
You are not the problem like 94% of the time. But you know that your constant attention seeking is annoying and you keep going.


Every move you make is a pathetic, disgusting, obvious, cry for help. Nobody is coming to save you. Get. Up.