word vomit

I hate the “ihatemyboyfriend”(i hate my boyfriend) trend on tiktok.
Because like I know its a joke i know these people don’t actually feel that way or do those things but how could you even joke about that? Like saying cruel things about your partner just is not funny. Sorry. I could never imagine saying these things about my wonderful husband like even as a joke could you imagine how much it would hurt to read those things even if you know its a joke the back of your mind will be like “maybe its true…” LIKE NO!! I LOVE MY BOYFRIEND!!!!

I, Ian, solemnly swear to not reach out, look at, message, dm, or write to that one person.
…по крайней мере до завтра…

I would like to sincerely apologize for the actions that follow.

im sane right now i promise i just really need to fix things. I dont care what i need to do, i need to fix things i dont care what i need to do i need to get through this and make it work because its too good to lose pleaseee
i love him so much i will do absolutely anything for him. with absolutely no limits.
<3

I’m expecting a personality 180 soon.
If you know me and like me, I’m sorry.

I NEED TO NOT TALK TO PEOPLE RIGHT NOW!? MY MIND IS SOO NOT HERE. I i cannot bring myself to force enthusiasm or even emotion and my head is racing 209482927 thoughts a second I need to calm down.

chats i lauve my bf !!!!! he gave me his shirt the the last time we hung out js for sillies and i love love love it its so comfy and shsjsvsjvdjsbsj and it smells like him :DDD i miss him tho :( its ok, he misses me too :3

I SAW MY HUSBAND TODAY !!! and and we cuddled and watched ride the cyclone and i taught him how to play sudoku and then watched him play and he actually did rlly well but he didnt think he did well and kept thinking i was laughing at him and and and we kisseddd and hugged a lot very very fun very awesome hes so cool and sweet and i love him so much AND I JUST GOT HOME IVE ONLY BEEN GONE FOR 17 MINUTES AND I ALREADY MISS HIM SO SO MUCH
I love him.

Dreamwidth in school :000
I'm in pe !!! todays a minimum day so we didn't have to dress outt and we're js kinda using our Chromebooks today because we're being taught the rules of the SWIM UNIT???? I'm scared I don't wanna swim around these people :< I'm too self conscious to even wear SHORTS around these people unless I have long socks on I don't wanna have to wear a bathing suit !!! I'm scared :< this is gon be bad :((
On a lighter note!! I'm hopefully going to my husbands today after school which I'm excited for ! We were talking last night and I was crying to him about how I feel unimportant to him cuz he has another partner who he's in an OPEN relationship with not a poly one. And he was like (paraphrased)"Yeah he matters more to me than anything else in the world but that doesn't mean you don't matter." which I get and ik he's trying to help but saying "he matters more than anything else" also means more than me and that SUCKSSS that's NOT FAIRRR and it hurts but it's okay it just sucks. I'm not okay with it but I'm obviously okay with DEALING with it otherwise I would leave, it still hurts though. It makes me really sad. And he doesn't seem to understand that.
I got asked out yesterday(again, im poly) and I said yes not to like be officially dating but like to go on a date, uh and I told bf abt it and he said that if I did ever ask him to officially date her he would say no. UH and he didn't really tell me a reason and the one he did was like- I know thats not the real reason. Cuz he like yelled 'anyone but her' and last week he complained that he felt like I like her more than him. WHICH I DONT. I UNFORTUNATELY like him more than ANYONE else, but even if I did I think that is my right since he likes someone else more than me. But again, Ik how much it sucks so even tho ik how much it sucks because of him I'm still not gonna do that to him, and I'm okay with that ofc, it js again kinda sucks.
I lauve him tho I'm really excited to go over!!! I hope I get to go there's a chance I won't be able to but hopefully! Cuz I rlly wanna see him cuz he's the coolest ever ever!! I lauve him sm.
I'm really nervous for the swim unit in pe :< idk I cant rlly swim well and I'm really self conscious, but I'm sure it'll be fine, this is just a part of life shrug
WOAH APPARENTLY IT STARTS TOMORROW??? WHAT?? NO WARNING???
uh anyways I've felt a lot worse in general recently like the last week or so but the last two days yesterday and today I've felt okay. All the stuff that was stressing me out so much is kinda set in stone even tho it didn't work out how I wanted too much(grades eughhh) its out of my control now. So that's okay. It kinda sucks but it's not stressful anymore and honestly stress is 90% of my mental turmoil.
It'll be okay. I'm okay and I'll be okay :3
have a good dayyy mwah mwah :3 !!!